I, Romney! Willard’s adventures in the uncanny valley

The Three Laws of Romnotics:

  1. Romney must never not pander to the Republican social and economic conservative base or—through inaction—allow itself to not pander to the base.
  2. Romney must obey orders given to it by the base, except when those orders would conflict with the First Law.
  3. Romney must protect its own political existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

I know what you’re saying to yourself right now: “What is this uncanny valley of which you speak?” You know, you really do have a problem of talking out loud when no one is around. It’s why no one likes you and you never get invited to any parties. Maybe if you could just control your obnoxious yammering, or recognize humor and sarcasm in other human beings, you wouldn’t be ostracized all the time.

The uncanny valley is pretty much right between the Hidden Valley, where they invented ranch dressing, and that valley those baby dinosaurs were looking for in The Land Before Time. It’s the place where all crappy robots go to die. I’m not talking about really cute robots like those little Sony dogs or kick-ass robots like Optimus Prime. Really cute robots will never die because they reinvigorate our blackened, shriveled hearts with their clumsy antics and give us joy and laughter. Kick-ass robots will live on in the lessons they teach us: perseverance, honor, and how to transform into radical alt modes.

Nope, I’m talking about Mitt Romney, America’s Republican android. An android too life-like to seem cute, but too robotic to seem human. An android stuck in that place also reserved for zombies, corpses, and people who make us slowly back out of the room when they stop by uninvited. The uncanny valley.

Wait, what’s that? Romney’s actually a human? Oh…

Hold on, hear me out. You have seen him on television right? The endless expanse of glistening orange forehead, the arrogant but joyless smile, the hooded eyes seen by no man, woman or child? That rigid posture couldn’t be carried off by one of us. Have you ever seen him dance the robot? It’s uncanny. And you expect me to believe that he’s human?!

I guess that means that my repulsion response toward Mitt Romney isn’t inspired by the lingering, subliminally robotic details of his near-human features, but by his craven pandering, his self-satisfied smirk, and his rampant vanity. That’s too bad, because here are the prospective benefits of a Robot President:

  • A Robot President can approach and disarm bombs or handle nuclear waste without fear of harm.
  • A Robot President will one day use the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to light our darkest hour.
  • A Robot President is confused and fascinated—but not distracted—by what we humans call “emotion.”
  • A Robot President is electronically pre-disposed to travel through time and protect Edward Furlong’s acting career.
  • A Robot President can use the weapons of his defeated enemies, finally allowing the USA to beat Vladimir Putin and his Wood Blaster attack with Momar Quadaffi’s Buzzsaw Boomerang.
  • A Robot President flies everywhere using his jet-feet.

I guess we’ll all have to wait another four years before our dreams of a new, metallic political regime can find fruition. And Romney—robot or not—will have to get back in the ol’ family bus, because this isn’t his year either.


  1. Posted February 26, 2008 at 6:21 pm | Permalink

    Its really fantastic to read this kind of the post .This is really a good creation . This is really awesome …. Thanks.

  2. obadiahstarbuck
    Posted February 26, 2008 at 10:41 pm | Permalink

    Glad you liked it! Stop by any ol’ time, friend.

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