ReiBred’s idol of the day…


As you all know, snow is an endangered species on this planet today—all the carbs people are spewing into the atmosphere are warming the place up. Soon the planet will be obese and balmy from its high-carb diet. And snow will be no more.

Someone other than Exxon stockholders thinks this is a good thing. His name is Esteban Gazel Dondi, and he’s from Costa Rica, but lives in New Jersey. He, like the people who make potato chips (carb manufacturers) hates snow. In cartoons snow is soft and cushy to fall on. In reality, Esteban says it is cold and icy and can make your brain freeze if you try and eat it doused with cherry-flavored syrup.

CheShirtAl Gore hates Esteban, and all producers of carbs. He’s the co-leader of the guerrilla faction Carb Sequestration Front along with well-known climate crusader David “Greenzo” Schwimmer and a Che Guevara t-shirt. Last year their scheme to buy up the world’s supply of corn and wheat and turn it into pure protein (cows) caused a worldwide bread shortage for four months. “It was like taking 10 million bowls of pasta out of the atmosphere,” Gore pronounced triumphantly.

It was a victory for snow lovers everywhere. People went skiing for the first time in decades, and Gore and his crew celebrated by letting sno cones out of their cages.

Then one day someone playing a snow sport got hurt. I don’t remember the details, but I think a small lovable child was sledding down a hill when he slid into his parents’ driveway. Unfortunately his dad was using one of those new-fangled snowblowers (instead of shoveling like an honest American) to get the snow out of the way of the family’s expensive carb-emitting, snow-murdering SUVs. Poor Bobby slid into the snowblower and was eviscerated. Blood was everywhere on the snow, but really it was on Esteban’s hands and the hands of car manufacturers everywhere for actively hating snow.

Following the incident, the NRA staged a rally on top of the pool of blood to let America know that every patriot should have the right to own a snowblower. Charlton Heston kicked aside some leftover entrails on the way to the podium, but was himself crushed after briefly managing to loft the several-hundred pound blower over his head.
SchwimmerIn the US Senate, James Inhofe said that carbs don’t cause global warming, and even ate a bowl of Ramen to prove it. “See, I’m fine!” he slurped. Barbara Boxer threw a snowball that whizzed by his head, prompting charges of Sedition from the Republicans. She was hanged later that day.

In January, a Wall Street Journal/Fox News/Exxon-Mobil poll showed that support for snow had plummeted since Boxer’s execution. The situation was dire, and Gore, Greenzo, and CheShirt responded by calling on children around the frozen portions of the world to build sentient robot snowmen. It worked. Hordes of angry, carrot-nosed fat men first descended on New Jersey—where Esteban lives—and took the entire state hostage. Last last week, as Spring tried to wrench the chill from the American northeast, weather conditions in the state were said to be ‘unstable’ and Esteban mysteriously went missing around the time of an avalanche just north of Newark. His body was never found.

Score one for the good guys, the leaders of the free world, and the frozen substance that they defend. Snow.

This just in: Corn cob pipe in his mouth, Gore and his lieutenants are reportedly crossing the Delaware River. These are just first reports, from our reporter in-bed with Gore’s troops…but it appears as though the snowy army is going to storm the capital!


One Comment

  1. Posted December 22, 2010 at 10:12 pm | Permalink

    I just assumed Todd was Sarah’s handler, security, go-fer, etc., because he was always at her side during the campaign.

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